SORRY
Sorry for being a real __________.
And for calling you/telling everyone you were a(n) ______________.
Not sure what I was thinking.
I’ll try not to let it happen again. 
Pinky swear.

SYMPATHY
Sorry about your____________.
That sucks. If you want a hug or to go for a drink, let me know.
Beyond that, I’m kind of lost and you may want to contact another friend for more support.

GOODBYE
I hope you’ll understand that I likely won’t be keeping in touch–my parole officer and therapist have both advised me to remove any toxic people from my environment.
So, actually, your move works out pretty fortuitously for me.

CO-WORKER BIRTHDAY
We are friends because I’m afraid of what might happen if I were to be on your bad side.
I’m not joking.

BIRTHDAY
1. Girlfriend, thanks for only being a bitch when it’s absolutely necessary.

2. Remember that time I got mad at you and told everyone that you’d slept with half the football team in high school?
Me neither.

3. Happy Freakin’ Birthday! You know you are only making the rest of us look older.
I’d watch it if I were you.

ANNIVERSARY
1. Thanks for only being an asshole sometimes. I know it could be much worse.
And let’s face it, that’s what most great relationships are built on.

2. Thanks for employing your ridiculous and antiquated behavioral double standards only when it suits you.

3. Thanks for only being a bitch when I’ve left you no other possible recourse.

4. Thanks for only needing to be right 99% of the time.

CONGRATULATIONS
You did it!
Whatever it was.

FATHER’S DAY
Thanks for teaching me all that stuff, whether you meant to or not.

MOTHER’S DAY
Thanks for waiting up for me and worrying about me during my teenage years. I have only recently come to realize that you are a person and likely would have been interested in spending your time on other pursuits.

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